


For Your Eyes Only

by DaisyK44



Series: If I Could Fly [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Slow Burn, because we all know sirius's parents are The Worst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22927273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaisyK44/pseuds/DaisyK44
Summary: The Marauders navigate their way through seven years at Hogwartsor;all 4 boys are dramatic as hell for seven years straight(Part 1 of 4 in the "If I Could Fly" series)
Relationships: Dorcas Meadowes/Peter Pettigrew, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: If I Could Fly [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1647805
Comments: 3
Kudos: 38





	1. Brave - First Year

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! This work is unbeta'd, so there may be mistakes. This is also not necessarily canon compliant, so while I do take some events from canon, it may not follow the correct timeline exactly. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys arrive at school and start to learn a little about each other.

_If this is the moment I stand here on my own_

_If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home_

_I might be afraid_

_But it’s my turn to be brave_

-Brave, Idina Menzel

Remus Lupin was an avid people-watcher. It probably stemmed from the fact that he wasn’t allowed to interact with most people for fear of them finding out he’d been infected with lycanthropy when he was five years old, but he truly enjoyed watching people go about their lives and trying to figure out something about them from their actions. Platform 9 ¾ was especially interesting because Remus had never seen so much other children at once. He supposed he had played with the neighborhood kids before he was bitten, but after that his parents spread the news that his immune system was weak and he couldn’t leave the house much. He loved Hope and Lyall as much as anyone could love their parents, yet he’d grown very lonely with no company but theirs over the last six years.

That was why Remus couldn’t believe his luck when Albus Dumbledore showed up at the Lupins’ secluded house in the woods outside of Cardiff to offer him a place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. His mother, a Muggle, had been thrilled that someone was finally willing to see past the lycanthropy, but his father had been more hesitant until Dumbledore convinced him that extreme measures would be taken to keep Remus and the other students safe during full moons.

So now Remus stood in front of the scarlet Hogwarts Express with his parents and his battered trunk. There were groups of older students without parents who looked so at ease, students who clearly wanted to get away from their parents and join their friends, and students (mostly first years) who clung terrified to the adults with them. Remus wasn’t sure where he fell in all of this. He did know, though, that he already felt quite uncomfortable in his patchy robes and worn sneakers. No one on the platform came close to looking as shabby as he did; his parents didn’t have much thanks to his condition costing Lyall Lupin his job and forcing them to move all the time, so he didn’t dare mention how embarrassed he was to them.

“Well, love, this is where we leave you,” said his mother, drawing him into a tight hug. Remus patted her on the back for a bit and pulled away when she took too long to let go. He was mortified to see that tears were welling up in her eyes.

“Mum, it’s alright…” he mumbled. He never did know what to do when people cried around him. Hope wiped her eyes quickly and kissed the top of his head, though she was quite short and they were nearly the same height. Lyall thumped him on the back and ruffled his hair affectionately.

“You’ll do great, son,” he said encouragingly. “Just…write us after your…your _episodes_ , alright? Let us know how they go and if we need to make other arrangements.”

“It’ll be fine, Dad.” Remus was aware that Lyall still didn’t trust Dumbledore’s plan to keep him safe, but there was no way Remus was giving up this opportunity. Whatever the old man had in place would have to work. Remus was determined to enjoy himself this year and maybe even feel normal for once.

Sirius Black made sure he got away from his parents as soon as possible. On the platform, his mother Walburga fiddled with his new robes and the Black family crest badge she’d pinned on until she was satisfied with how her eldest son looked, all while his father Orion looked on dutifully and kept a firm hand on his younger brother Regulus’s shoulder. Sirius squirmed and complained until she finally let him go. She told him how proud they would be to see him wear Slytherin green, Orion shook his hand without any words, and Sirius hugged Regulus tightly while promising to write often before he dashed off with his silver trunk. He felt slightly guilty about leaving Regulus behind, but tried to tell himself that the younger golden child would be fine for a few months without him as he strode through the corridor to look for an empty compartment.

A distraction from his worries over Regulus came in the form of a bespectacled boy with messy black hair named James Potter. The scrawny kid had knocked past him as he raced through the hall and only stopped when Sirius called out, “Hey you prat, you’re just lucky I haven’t practiced any good hexes lately!” James Potter turned around with the largest smile on his face and replied, “So you know some good ones then?”

For a moment, Sirius was pleased with himself for making a friend already. They found a compartment with a red-headed girl and a boy with greasy black hair who seemed like a bit of a git in Sirius’s opinion. James seemed alright, though, and he was from a pureblooded family – except blood status didn’t matter no matter what his mother said, Sirius reminded himself. Things turned sour momentarily when James learned that his new friend was a Black who figured he was headed for Slytherin, but Sirius saved himself by saying he hoped he ended up in Gryffindor (James’s preferred house). Their other companions didn’t last long, as the red-headed girl seemed offended by James’s very existence, but they were soon joined by a short chubby boy named Peter Pettigrew and Sirius was even more pleased that he’d made a second friend.

“Fancy a game of gobstones?” asked Peter eagerly once they’d finished introductions and established that they all wanted to be in Gryffindor. “My mum got me a new set last Christmas in case I wanted to join the club.”

“I’m going to try out for Quidditch next year,” said James proudly. Sirius noticed that he didn’t _actually_ answer the intended question, but Peter was now looking at James with great admiration and didn’t seem to mind. Still, Sirius thought he would be the better person and offer to play a game with Peter. Walburga always told him he was too selfish after all; perhaps he could change that while away at Hogwarts.

“Hey, Peter, I’ll –” Except Sirius’s well-meaning offer was cut off by the compartment door being pulled open very abruptly. All three of their heads whipped to see what was going on. A tall skinny boy wearing very scruffy robes stood in the doorway.

“Sorry,” the boy mumbled. “Um…I can go away if you want. But…well, I can’t find anywhere else to sit and I thought maybe I could…” He motioned with his hand a little to indicate that he wanted to join them, though he wouldn’t make eye contact with any of them. Sirius felt a pang of pity for this boy and wondered if the reason he couldn’t find a place to sit was because no one would let him join them. He did look very rough with his threadbare clothes, his pale complexion, and horrible dark circles under his eyes that made it seem as if he hadn’t had a proper’s night sleep in his life. But Sirius found he didn’t mind any of that.

“Sure, there’s room,” he said casually. His eyes darted over to James, then Peter, and neither of them seemed to want to protest. The boy sighed in relief and went to put his trunk in the luggage rack. It was clearly very heavy for him and he swayed as he tried to lift it, so James stood up quickly to help him.

“Thanks,” said the boy shyly. He sat in the empty seat next to Peter.

“I’m Sirius Black,” said Sirius with a smile. The boy frowned.

“Black? Who’s serious?” he asked in confusion. Sirius and James burst into laughter; Peter joined in with a nervous giggle, as if he was still afraid to be part of their group.

“Me,” replied Sirius. “That’s my name: Sirius Black. S-I-R-I-U-S. Like the star. It’s a weird family tradition, naming kids after stars. And this is James Potter and that’s Peter Pettigrew. What’s your name?”

“Remus Lupin.”

“And you’re making fun of _his_ name?” said James incredulously. Sirius elbowed him, which was received with a pitiful “ow.” To his surprise, though, Remus Lupin laughed at that.

“Yeah, I suppose I didn’t have room to talk, did I?” he chuckled. Maybe it was just Sirius, but something about the mood in the compartment seemed to lighten now that Remus was smiling. They finally played that game of gobstones Peter had suggested – Remus beat all of them every time – and when the trolley came around they stuffed themselves on chocolate frogs and pumpkin pasties, courtesy of James who had been given a whole bag of pocket change for the term. For a short time, Sirius felt what he presumed to be true happiness for the first time in his life.

Unfortunately, Sirius’s happiness was replaced with nerves as soon as they arrived at Hogwarts and were herded into little boats by a great big man named Hagrid to take them across the black lake. From there, they clustered into the corridor outside the Great Hall until Professor Minerva McGonagall came to take them in for the Sorting. Sirius heard the awed gasps of the students around him as they saw the enchanted ceiling and floating candles for the first time, but he found he was too scared to be impressed by anything Hogwarts had to offer. He’d had so much fun on the train with his three new friends and now it was all about to be ruined. He would be put into Slytherin where he belonged while James made it into his beloved Gryffindor, Remus’s brains landed him in Ravenclaw, and Peter was reluctantly thrown into Hufflepuff. Then they would never talk again and Sirius would be alone for the next seven years, surrounded by people who were just like his family – and some of his actual family as well, since Andromeda was a seventh year and Narcissa was a sixth year. He would like to be around Andromeda, as she was his favorite cousin, but Narcissa would be a nightmare…

“Black, Sirius!” Sirius almost missed his name being called, he was so deep in his own thoughts. James gave him an enthusiastic thumbs-up as he made his way up to the stool and Remus gave him a shy smile. His stomach sank miserably as he hopped onto the stool and allowed McGonagall to place the battered Sorting Hat on his head.

_“Ah, another Black…I suppose this will be another simple Slytherin Sorting, hm?”_ said the hat. Sirius was afraid of that. _“Unless…there is something more here. Something your predecessors did not have. You are brave, Sirius Black, and there is a clear devotion to those you love. A mischievous side, yes, but all harmless and all in good fun. Perhaps…perhaps you would do better elsewhere.”_

Sirius did not believe his ears when the hat shouted out “GRYFFINDOR!” He did not register the wave of silence that went over the room as he numbly joined the table sporting scarlet and gold instead of green and silver. He missed the pride in Andromeda’s eyes and the poison in Narcissa’s because he did not dare look over to the table of his should-be house.

Sirius Black got exactly what he wanted and yet he knew he was going to pay deeply for it.

“Lupin, Remus!” Truthfully, Remus hadn’t put all that much thought into which House he wanted to be Sorted into. He told James Gryffindor on the train, but that was only because James was looking at him so intensely that Remus feared for his life if he showed interest in any other House. Of course, Gryffindor _would_ be nice, but he would settle for any House seeing as he was lucky to be at Hogwarts at all. His dad had been in Ravenclaw. That would be alright with Remus.

Still, as he had the hat placed on his head, Remus found himself drawn to Gryffindor again for the sole purpose of making sure Sirius was alright. He’d looked horrified when the hat put him in Gryffindor; for the rest of the Sorting thus far Remus kept looking back to check on him, and he was sitting at the table by himself looking empty and afraid. He liked Sirius a lot, though he’d only known him for a few hours, and he wanted to help in any way he could.

_“Well, well, well! It’s been years since I had a Lupin,”_ said the hat. Remus hoped all this was in his head. He didn’t want the whole school hearing what the hat had to say about him, especially if his lycanthropy was mentioned. _“There are plenty of brains here – you’d do well in Ravenclaw. Still, I see kindness…a desire to prove yourself…fierce loyalty. You are difficult, Remus Lupin. I could put you anywhere and I believe you would thrive. But there is the problem of housemates who will accept you – housemates who will trust you and love you no matter what you are. Yes, I think one stands out from the rest.”_

“GRYFFINDOR!” Standing, Remus felt both relieved and nervous. He was happy to go sit across from Sirius and smile encouragingly at him, but a sense of dread filled him when he thought of the hat’s comments on his housemates’ acceptance. Could the hat see the future? Were his classmates going to eventually figure out that he was a werewolf? _No,_ he told himself firmly. _It’s just a stupid hat. You aren’t going to tell them, so they’ll never find out._

Peter was feeling extremely anxious as the list of names to be Sorted came closer and closer to his. On the train, he couldn’t believe his luck that he’d made three friends so quickly. Not only that, but Sirius and James were so _cool_. Remus seemed like the type of boy who would have been nice to Peter in primary school, but James Potter and Sirius Black were definitely out of his league in terms of friendship. He wanted to stay friends with all of them, but Remus and Sirius were already Sorted into Gryffindor and there was no way James wouldn’t be. Peter expected he’d land himself in Hufflepuff or something. He wasn’t brave enough to be in Gryffindor. Sure, he’d make new friends in Hufflepuff, but they would not be as great as James and Sirius.

“Pettigrew, Peter!” Peter nearly squeaked at his name being called and tripped over his robes as he made his way to the stool. Laughter rang out around him; he felt his face redden and was grateful when the hat covered his eyes. Not even an hour into the school year and he was already embarrassing himself.

_“Ah, Pettigrew, isn’t it? A difficult one to place,”_ said the hat. Peter sighed. He knew this wouldn’t be easy. _“You could fit anywhere and nowhere all at the same time. There is some bravery and the chance to be loyal – yes, believe it or not, you could go to Gryffindor. But there is a thirst for greatness, a willingness to do whatever you must, that would fit well in Slytherin. Ravenclaw, well, that may be an easy decision to cancel out – I’m afraid the brains and desire for knowledge just aren’t there – but your kindness and work ethic are very Hufflepuff traits…”_

The deliberation seemed to go on for hours, though it was surely only a matter of minutes in the end. Peter was starting to squirm by the time the hat made any progress at all on the decision. It told Peter it was going to pick the House that would steer Peter in the right direction, keep him out of the trouble he might find elsewhere, and then it shouted out “GRYFFINDOR!” He could not believe his luck as he stumbled off the stool with a stupid grin on his face and went to join Sirius and Remus. These kinds of things just didn’t happen for Peter – he almost never got what he hoped for. Maybe Hogwarts wouldn’t be so bad after all.

James Potter watched each student before him, including three of his new friends, go to be Sorted looking like they might piss themselves – Peter especially so, and it had taken the hat five whole minutes to finally put him in Gryffindor. That was a bit of a surprise, as James was sure the short plump boy would end up in Hufflepuff, but it was just fine with him because he knew he was going to end up in Gryffindor and now his three best mates would there with him. Plus that pretty red-headed girl Lily Evans…he only hoped the slimy git that had been sitting with her on the train was thrown somewhere else.

“Potter, James!” James waltzed confidently up to the stool and smiled brilliantly at Professor McGonagall, whose severe expression did not change to match his cheer. She dropped the hat over his eyes, and James waited for the inevitable.

_“Potter – I’ve been waiting for another one of those for years! Your father was easy to place and I expect you will be, too…”_ The hat had been on James’s head for no more than thirty seconds when it bellowed out “GRYFFINDOR!”

Though he had been telling anyone who would listen for the last three years that he was going to be in Gryffindor, James was relieved as he joined the sea of gold and scarlet. He couldn’t wait to send an owl to his parents in the morning – Fleamont Potter would be beside himself with pride that his son was in his House, as would his mother even if she was a Ravenclaw herself. It was a nice feeling as he sat next to Sirius with Remus and Peter across from them. Still, he couldn’t help but notice that Sirius looked a little glum.

“You alright, mate?” he asked in a whisper as the Sorting continued. Sirius shrugged, avoiding eye contact, and swept a curly lock off his forehead.

“I’m right pleased to be in Gryffindor, but my parents won’t be when they hear,” he said. Clearly he was trying to be casual about it, but there was an obvious hint of fear in his voice. James chanced a glance at the other two across from them. Peter was absorbed in the Sorting – Severus Snape, the slimy git, had just been put in Slytherin – but Remus at least was invested in Sirius, worry tugging at his forehead.

“So don’t tell them?” suggested James. Sirius barked out a sarcastic laugh, earning him hushes and glares from some of the older Gryffindors around them.

“It’s not that simple, Potter. Even if I don’t tell them, my awful cousin will. I bet you anything Cissy will be sending out an owl first thing in the morning just in case I get any ideas about keeping this a secret,” spat Sirius angrily. James was a little lost for words. He knew the Blacks were a haughty old family, keen on bloodlines and very prejudiced, but it sounded like Sirius really hated his family and James had no experience with that. It had only ever been him and his parents, but he loved them dearly and he knew they’d be proud no matter what House he was in. Sirius, on the other hand, could be in a lot of trouble for not being in Slytherin.

“Who’d want to be in Slytherin anyway?” said Peter, finally joining in as the Sorting came to a close. “Then you’d have to share a room with Snape, and doesn’t he seem horrible?”

Sirius and James both grinned at that, but someone else near them did not appreciate it as much.

“Excuse me, but that’s my friend you’re talking about and seeing as you don’t know him at all I don’t think you should be making rude judgements like that,” said Lily Evans coldly from her place next to Sirius. Peter reddened and mumbled an apology. James wasn’t going to let it go so easily.

“You’re right, Evans, we don’t know him very well,” said James thoughtfully. “But he wasn’t very pleasant on the train. So which do you think would be a better bonding technique for us – the Bat Bogey Hex or the Jelly Legs Jinx?”

Lily made a sound of disgust. “Potter, you are a toerag!” James laughed as she got up in a huff and moved to sit on the other side of Mary Macdonald, another first year. He was a little sorry that he’d upset her because he was quite interested in her, but not sorry enough to visibly care. He’d make it up to her later and they would be friends by the end of term – hopefully.

After an odd but cheerful speech from Headmaster Dumbledore to welcome them to school and mounds of the most delicious food James had ever tasted (which was truly saying something because his mother was an excellent cook), the first year Gryffindors were shown to their dorms by the fifth-year prefects Caradoc Dearborn and Emmeline Vance. Their trunks were already placed at the foot of their beds; James noticed that Remus’s was very battered while Sirius’s was in impeccable shape and decorated with his family’s silver crest.

“Going to try to blast that off?” asked James, pointing at the trunk. Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Tried already mate,” he said grimly. “My mother put some sort of protective charm on it. Damn woman.”

Sirius got a Howler the next morning at breakfast. A regal snowy owl plopped the red envelope right into his porridge bowl and took off without any acknowledgement. Remus, who had thus far stayed rather quiet around his new friends, watched as he picked it up carefully and stared dismally at it. Everyone around them was looking.

“Best open it, mate,” advised James. “Won’t be pretty if it explodes on you.”

Sirius nodded and swallowed. He ripped open the top of the envelope and –

“SIRIUS ORION BLACK THE THIRD! YOU HAVE BROUGHT DISGRACE AND SHAME UPON OUR FAMILY! A GRYFFINDOR AMONGST THOUSANDS OF YEARS IN NOBLE SLYTHERIN! YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE DISAPPOINTED, NEVER MORE ASHAMED TO HAVE YOU AS A SON! AND A COWARD, TOO, LETTING YOUR DEAR COUSIN NARCISSA WRITE FIRST! YOU DISHONOR THE MOST NOBLE AND ANCIENT HOUSE OF BLACK! THERE IS FILTH TAINTING YOUR PURE BLOOD!”

The screaming was over sooner than Remus thought it would be, and then the envelope ripped itself into shreds. The spectators were stunned into silence; even the teachers were looking nervously at Gryffindor table. Sirius looked pale and shaky for only a moment before he rearranged his face and joked about what a crazy old bat his mother was. Still, Remus saw him glance at the Slytherin table where Narcissa looked smug and Andromeda looked sympathetic.

Their first day quickly overshadowed Sirius’s Howler as McGonagall came around with schedules for each Gryffindor. It seemed they had Potions first, much to Remus’s dismay. He already knew that was one subject he’d be rubbish at. Hope had tried to teach him to cook in the last year to give him something to do while he was cooped up inside and it had gone abysmally; frankly, he thought his parents should be grateful he hadn’t burned down the house. He didn’t see how brewing a potion would be any easier than making a roast dinner.

The first class didn’t actually involve any potion brewing, though, which made Remus much more optimistic about the rest of the day. Sure, James and Sirius had gotten Gryffindor docked ten points when they threw balls of parchment at Severus Snape’s head, but that was merely a hazard of having Potions with the Slytherins. Transfiguration with McGonagall was very interesting, despite how nervous the impending workload seemed to make Peter, and Charms was alright too. By dinnertime, Remus was quite tired from their first day (it didn’t help that the full moon was that Sunday) and very much looking forward to curling up in his four-poster for a good night’s sleep.

He slept solidly until around one o’clock in the morning. At first, he wasn’t surprised to find that he was awake – his sleep schedule often got messed up around moons – but as Remus was trying to fall back asleep he realized there was something that might’ve woken him up. Sirius was muttering from his bed. The words fluctuated between loud and soft, but he sounded upset and Remus caught bits of “No, don’t… _don’t_ , please don’t hurt me…”

Remus supposed he wouldn’t be getting much sleep so long as he could hear Sirius and anyway waking him up seemed like the kind thing to do, so he slipped out of bed and tiptoed over to the other boy’s bed. When he pulled the thick red curtains aside, Sirius was twisted up in his sheets as his body thrashed, soaked in sweat, and his face was screwed up as if in pain. Remus wondered how well the curtains blocked noise because he looked like he was having a far worse dream than it had seemed from across the room, and James and Peter weren’t bothered by it at all with their own curtains shut.

“I swear I didn’t…it wasn’t my fault…NO, PLEASE!” Remus reached out a hand to shake Sirius awake when his last scream seemed to do the job itself and he bolted straight up. He looked wildly about as he gathered his surroundings, ran a hand through his dark hair, and then jumped when he finally noticed Remus frozen in place beside his bed.

“Sorry!” yelped Remus before Sirius could say anything. “I just…you were having a nightmare and I heard and I thought I should wake you up, but then you woke yourself up.”

Sirius sighed. “Right. Thanks, mate. Thought I’d stop having them when I got out of the house. Less material for my brain to turn into nightmares, you know.”

“Maybe it takes more than just two nights,” offered Remus. He’d gathered that Sirius’s parents were awful, but he was a little surprised to learn that this was a reoccurring thing thanks to his home life.

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Are you going to be alright?” asked Remus quietly. “Going back to sleep, I mean.”

Sirius shrugged. “Suppose so. Usually takes a while to fall back asleep – sometimes I just get up for the day if it’s after five – but I’ll manage,” he said. Remus knew it was time to go back to his own bed and try to salvage the last six or so hours until James’s alarm woke them all up, but he hesitated. It was hard for him to fall back asleep too, and if both of them were going to be awake…

“I could stay with you. If you wanted,” said Remus, though Merlin knew what possessed him to do so. Sirius looked surprised as well, but only for a moment. Then a shy smile crossed his face.

“Yeah, that’d be good,” he agreed. “I…I don’t always like to be alone after.”

Remus didn’t ask what he did at home after a nightmare when there was no one to comfort him. He didn’t often have nightmares himself, but he thought the morning after a transformation had to be close enough to waking up from one; he didn’t know what he would do without his father to help him to bed and his mother to care for him until he got his strength back. Of course, as Sirius scooted over and Remus climbed in next to him, he tried not to think about what he was. If Sirius knew he transformed into a horrible beast once a month, he’d be disgusted that he let Remus into his bed. Remus hoped his friends never discovered his secret, though, because it was quite nice to lay next to Sirius. They didn’t touch at all to keep any awkwardness at bay, but it was comforting just to have a warm body beside him.

“Are all your family horrible?” asked Remus in a whisper. It was a silly question to bring up at ten past one in the morning, yet he couldn’t help his curiosity.

“No,” replied Sirius. He sounded tired. “There’s my Uncle Alphard, he’s quite fun at the holidays. And you know that I get on with my cousin Andromeda. She hates the lot of them more than I do, I reckon. My brother Regulus is alright for now, but I expect Mother will turn him into a right little tosser before he gets to Hogwarts and I can corrupt him.”

That only left Remus with more questions, but he didn’t ask them. In just a few minutes, Sirius’s breathing evened out to indicate that he’d fallen asleep. Remus’s eyes were dropping, too, only he knew Sirius wouldn’t want James and Peter to see that they’d slept in the same bed. He didn’t want them to know either – it was something just between him and Sirius, so he used all the energy he had left to quietly climb out of the bed and tiptoe back to his own.


	2. Hungry Like the Wolf - First Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus's first transformation at Hogwarts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone needs a warning, there is some depiction of injury (though not very graphic). Also, for emetophobics, there are mild references to sickness, but again nothing graphically depicted. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter and thank you for reading!

_In touch with the ground_

_I’m on the down I’m after you_

_Smell like I sound I’m lost in a crowd_

_And I’m hungry like the wolf_

-Hungry Like the Wolf, Duran Duran

As the first week came to a close, Peter decided Hogwarts was even better than he thought it would be. He had the coolest friends, he wasn't half-bad at his classes so far, and the food was some of the best he'd ever tasted. His mother might have to buy him new trousers when he came home for Christmas.

The only person who didn't seem to be enjoying himself quite as much was Remus. He looked... _ill_ , actually. His skin was pale and greenish, and he fell asleep during their first History of Magic class - which granted, Binns was bloody boring, but Remus didn't seem like the type to sleep through classes. Peter just hoped he didn't catch whatever his new friend had.

On Saturday, their first day off, Peter went with James and Sirius to watch the Quidditch try-outs. First years couldn't try out, but James told anyone who would listen that he was going to go for Chaser next year. Remus didn't join them; he was still in bed when they returned just before dinner.

"D'you think he's alright?" asked James as they all awkwardly stared at his closed curtains. Peter just shrugged.

On Sunday, Remus slept through breakfast but joined them in the library to work on homework. Peter suspected James and Sirius wouldn't always be so studious, but for now they were all determined to finish the twelve-inch essay Slughorn had set on sleeping draughts. It took them much longer than it probably should have for such a short essay, but they at least all managed to finish by five o'clock.

"What do you lads say to an early dinner?" asked James as they rolled up their parchments and cleaned up their books. Peter nodded enthusiastically (he heard there would be steak and kidney pie tonight), and Remus and Sirius went along with it too. The Great Hall wasn't too crowded as it was still early, but there was plenty of food on silver platters waiting to be eaten. That was how Peter liked it - empty enough that he wouldn't have to fight anyone over the sweet potatoes. They sat down to eat, and Peter noticed that Remus's plate was quite empty compared to his own, which hardly had any room to spare. He wasn't actually eating either - he just poked miserably at a piece of steak.

"Alright, Lupin?" asked Peter. James and Sirius were too absorbed in Quidditch talk to notice. Remus gave a toss of his head, neither a yes nor no, and continued to poke at the steak. This time he poked it a little too hard and some red juice trickled out. Peter watched him turn green as he stared at it.

"'Scuse me," he muttered before getting to his feet and sprinting out of the hall. That got James and Sirius's attention.

"What's wrong with him?" asked James.

"Dunno," said Peter.

"Well, come on, let's go check on him," said Sirius. He set down his fork without a second thought and started out of the hall. James followed him soon after. Peter looked sadly at his dinner, all gone to waste, but knew that being a good mate was more important than food so he also scrambled to his feet and trailed after the others.

Remus groaned and slumped against the back of the bathroom stall. He wiped his mouth on a wad of toilet paper and flushed the evidence away. Not that there had been much. He always had trouble eating before a full moon, which worried his mum to no end. She made him promise he would try to eat good dinners before heading to see Madam Pomfrey, but the sight of the steak juice...it looked too much like blood and that reminded Remus of what he could do if Dumbledore hadn't prepared for tonight as well as he said he had.

"Remus?" _Sirius_. As shaky and nauseous as he still felt, he forced himself to stand up and leave the stall. Sirius, James, and Peter were all lingering by the door. Remus tried not to look at them as he neatened the hair sticking to his sweaty forehead and went to wash his hands at the sink.

"I'm fine," he said hoarsely. He heard Sirius come closer and felt a hand on his shoulder.

"You don't look it," he said. "Maybe you should go to the hospital wing."

 _Merlin, this is perfect._ "Yeah...I think I will. Uh, thanks for checking in," said Remus.

"Want us to walk you?" asked James.

"No, no, that's alright," said Remus hurriedly. He pushed past his friends without so much as a glance to make his way to the hospital wing. When he arrived, Madam Pomfrey was changing bedsheets in a thankfully empty room. Remus wasn’t due for another two hours to be taken to the shack where he’d transform so, combined with how quiet his footsteps were, he wasn’t surprised that she jumped a bit when she looked up to see him standing uncertainly in the doorway. He hadn’t meant to startle her, and he told her as much.

“It’s quite alright, dear, I simply wasn’t expecting you,” she said, waving him off pleasantly. “You _are_ early, though. Is everything alright?”

Remus shrugged, then immediately berated himself for it. His mum always told him that shrugging was a terrible habit, but his friends did it so often it was rubbing off on him. “Everything is fine. It’s just that…well, I’m not used to…” It was a struggle to get the words out. Remus didn’t like complaining, especially to someone he hardly knew like Madam Pomfrey. The last thing he wanted was for her to think he was weak. Still, he couldn’t go on like this every month. “I’m not used to having so much to do before a full moon. Classes and homework and such. Mum usually has me stay in bed and rest so I never feel all that bad beforehand, but I’ve felt awful this week and I was just sick at dinner and I think my friends are going to notice if I’m this ill every month.”

He forced it all out as quickly as possible to make the admission less painful. Madam Pomfrey didn’t laugh at him or call him weak, though. She smiled kindly at him and told him to sit on one of the beds.

“There’s no shame in asking for help, Remus,” she said as she measured out a goblet of pink liquid. “I can give you Pepper-Up Potion to help with the fatigue, and this anti-emetic potion for the nausea. Come see me at the start of the week before each full moon – I’ll give you enough supply to see you through. As long as you think you can take it without your friends noticing?”

He could do that. As long as he hid the potions in his trunk and took them when the others weren’t around, they would never have to know a thing. It worked out that he had illness as an excuse for his absence this month, but that would be too suspicious to use every month and he couldn’t look sick himself if he was going to tell them he had to visit his sick mother or some such lie.

Pomfrey let him stay in the hospital wing for the next two hours until sundown; all the beds remained mercifully empty. Remus, who considered himself to be a rather unlucky person, was not sure what he did to deserve such perfect fate on his first full moon at school. When the time finally came, she escorted him out of the castle and down to the Whomping Willow that had been planted especially for him. The branches lashed out violently in an attempt to pummel whoever came near, but Pomfrey stilled it with a simple spell that activated the little knob on the trunk. Then she hurried him past it down a tunnel while the tree remained frozen.

The tunnel led to the shack where Remus would be transforming. It was spacious enough that the wolf would have room to run around, and it was nicely if not sparsely furnished. Not that the furniture mattered much. The wolf would probably destroy most of it before the sun came back up.

“There will be a number of enchantments in place so you won’t be able to escape,” said Pomfrey as Remus looked around nervously. “I’ll come fetch you in the morning. Is there anything you need before I go?”

Remus shook his head. He was starting to feel restless and agitated, which meant the moon would be setting in soon. She needed to go. He told her as much, assuring her that he would be fine, and then she was gone. Remus removed his robes and hid them under the bed, hoping the wolf wouldn’t find them there. At home, he never had to worry about that since he took off his clothes before his father locked him in their basement, and when he transformed back his mother always had his favorite pajamas waiting for him. Somehow he didn’t think Madam Pomfrey would think to bring a change of clothes should he ruin his – the last thing he wanted was to limp back to the castle in torn rags.

When the robes were safely away, Remus sat on the bed and waited. He was sweating profusely and a familiar ache set into his bones. He wanted to scream, to lash out, to do _anything_ that would relieve the growing anxiety within him, but he didn’t. There would be enough of that as he transformed when he couldn’t control his actions.

The last thing Remus remembered was watching his hands shake uncontrollably as a sensation of dread came over him. Then everything went horribly blank.

Remus woke up in the morning to a room bright with sunlight. It hurt his eyes. He tried to move his arm to shield his face from the assaulting light, but found that he experienced searing pain when he tried to move any part of his body at all. Panic quickly took over; he always suffered injuries after transformations, but usually it was no worse than a few deep cuts that would leave behind silvery scars. What had he done to himself last night and what would be the consequences? He couldn’t twist his head to survey the damage, but his arm felt shredded and he could tell there was blood pooling under his left knee. Part of him hoped Madam Pomfrey would hurry so that she could make him better, only a larger part of him was very aware that he was currently naked and didn’t have the ability to dress himself. As a Healer, it would be nothing to Pomfrey to see him like this. However, as a self-conscious eleven-year-old boy, it was quite embarrassing.

Remus didn’t know how long he’d been lying there when Madam Pomfrey took down the protective enchantments and entered the shack. He was cold and dizzy now so he thought it might’ve been a while, but there was the possibility that it was just the blood loss making him feel that way. At any rate, Pomfrey gasped when he saw him, though he noticed she tried to compose herself very quickly. He bet she’d never actually seen a werewolf after a transformation, otherwise she wouldn’t be so shocked. Of course, he’d been transforming for the last six years and his mother seemed equally upset every time Lyall brought him up from the basement.

“The wolf was confused,” explained Remus while Pomfrey crouched down to examine him. “The new place – it made it mad. ‘S’not always this bad.”

It wasn’t a lie either. The damage the wolf did to him grew progressively worse as he got older and it became stronger, but for most of his life it hadn’t been so bad. Pomfrey merely hushed him and told him to save his energy. He didn’t ask if he could put his clothes on until after she siphoned away as much blood as she could and applied dittany to each of his cuts. When she used a quick spell to mend his broken arm, he found he was able to move on his own again. She gave him a moment of privacy to gingerly dress, then put an arm around him to help him limp back to the castle.

The cut on his knee would leave another noticeable silvery scar. There were smaller cuts that Madam Pomfrey had healed for Remus, but those left scars that could only be seen if the light hit them a certain way. The one on his knee was the worst of it. He stayed in the hospital for two days until he was well rested and the bandages were gone. His friends seemed happy to see him when he returned to their dorm, asked him if he was feeling better. He told them he was. Internally, he was already dreading next month.

That night, when he was woken from his own nightmare by Sirius crying in his sleep, Remus was extremely grateful for the comfort of laying next to another person until he forced himself back to his own bed yet again.


	3. Come Alive - First Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys begin their careers as ultimate pranksters.

_When the world becomes a fantasy_

_And you're more than you could ever be_

_'Cause you're dreaming with your eyes wide open_

-Come Alive, The Greatest Showman

“Lads, I think we need to do something to liven up this school year,” announced James one morning. It was three weeks into term; Peter was still doing well in his classes and he hadn’t caught whatever Remus had that first weekend. Perhaps that was why he was in such good spirits. Remus and Sirius simply rolled their eyes at James’s pomposity as always, but Peter decided to express his interest. Maybe he could earn more of James’s favor, even if he was sure he would never be as important to their unofficial leader as Sirius was.

“Like what?” asked Peter. James grinned and Sirius groaned.

“Don’t bloody encourage him, Pete,” he said.

“I second that,” said Remus. Peter stuck his tongue out at both of them, which made Sirius laugh.

“Alright, Potter, indulge us in whatever plan is developing in your supposedly brilliant mind,” drawled Sirius more pleasantly. He always spoke like he was an aristocrat in some posh Victorian novel. It was probably to do with how he’d been raised as a Black, but Peter was amazed by it. He didn’t think he could ever be so posh, having spent all eleven years of his life so far in the British countryside.

“Well, it can’t be anything stupid,” said James as if that were the most obvious part. “We want to leave a legacy as brilliant mischief-makers.”

“We do?”

“Keep up, Pettigrew, of course we do. So we’ve got to do something excellent. Not _too_ excellent – we don’t want to set the standards too high on the first go – but something memorable. Any ideas?”

Sirius made a noise of disbelief. “ _You don’t even have a plan?_ ”

Privately, Peter agreed with him. Yet somehow one week later they had worked out a rough idea of what they would do for their very first Hogwarts prank. The concept came about when Slughorn docked points from James in Potions class for trying to balance his knife on his nose, then turned around and awarded Snape points for brewing a perfect forgetfulness potion. James and Sirius had, naturally, been outraged. Peter thought that Remus was of a mind that he deserved the lost points; maybe he did, but neither one of them would say that out loud. Either way, the incident inspired James to come up with a prank where all of Slytherin’s House points emeralds would transform into rubies and transfer into Gryffindor’s hourglass.

Of course, that turned out to be more difficult for a group of eleven-year-olds to figure out than James’s confidence estimated for. They spent hours in the library for a week straight. Though he hadn’t had much of one to begin with, Peter was starting to miss having a life. Remus, for one, seemed frustrated that their long hours of research were taking away from his homework time.

“James, I’m not like you and Sirius!” he finally snapped after a long day of having his nose shoved in Transfiguration books every minute they weren’t in class. “I can’t just get by on raw talent. I need to study. So instead of trying to transfigure and move the emeralds, which we clearly can’t figure out how to do, why don’t we just vanish them and duplicate our rubies so it looks like we moved them?”

It was genius. Remus had good ideas when he was irritated, Peter had to give him that. Even James was impressed and not at all offended that Remus had technically insulted his original plan. From that point on, all the four friends had to do was look up duplicating and vanishing spells, which proved to be much easier. Peter couldn’t get the hang of either spell – it was quite embarrassing to be the only incapable one, but no one made fun of him for it thankfully – and it was decided in the end that only one person could leave class to carry out the prank without arousing suspicion. As Remus was the best at the spells and had a good reputation with the teachers already, James and Sirius decided it should be him.

It happened during Transfiguration, of all classes. They found that Professor McGonagall had a soft spot for Remus, probably because he looked close to death nearly all the time, so she was more than happy (plus slightly concerned) to send him off to the hospital wing when he raised his hand halfway through class to complain that he didn’t feel well at all.

The rest of class was quiet, but the three remaining boys hadn’t expected to hear anything just yet. The plan was that Remus would perform the prank first and then go to the hospital wing so that it couldn’t be pinned on him if McGonagall decided to check with Madam Pomfrey. Of course, James had to continuously jab Sirius in the ribs with his elbow to keep him from squirming gleefully as McGonagall surveyed the class in their attempts to change a pebble into a button.

“Sit still, you prick, or we’re going to get caught!” hissed James after nudging Sirius for the fifth time, which seemed to finally get through to him. He steadied himself in his seat, and the three of them pretended to focus on the task at hand, though Peter was sure their minds were racing with thoughts of the prank as his was.

By the end of class, Sirius and James had beautiful glass buttons with four holes each sitting in front of them. Peter still had a pebble, but at least it looked somewhat flattened.

The real fun began when the students began filing out of their classrooms for the midday lunch break, and inevitably passed the four large hourglasses that held the House points. The Gryffindors were delighted by this unexpected change – and showed their joy with nothing less than the loud obnoxious behavior Peter had come to expect from his housemates – but they were the only happy ones. The Slytherins were furious, threatening to hex every Gryffindor they came across; the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs were quite miffed that they hadn’t been given extra points, too.

It didn’t take long for the scene outside of the Great Hall to descend into madness, and Peter found quite a thrill in knowing he’d had even a small part of it. Next to him, James and Sirius were practically bursting; Peter thought it was a miracle that James managed to keep from running around screaming at everyone that this prank was his own brilliance (even though the brains behind the operation actually belonged to Remus).

Of course, all too soon the teachers came along and disbanded the chaos. McGonagall restored the House points to what they were before, minus ten points from Gryffindor, and threatened detention to whoever was responsible if she found out. Peter swore she said that while looking in their direction, but there was no way to prove it was them.

Later, when Remus returned from his stint in the hospital wing, Sirius nipped to the kitchens for some pastries and pumpkin juice, and the four of them celebrated their debut as Hogwarts pranksters.

By the end of October, the high from their first prank had long since worn off, and James was ready for another. With Halloween approaching, it was the perfect time. Sirius and Peter were immediately on board, of course, but James knew before he even asked that Remus was going to take some convincing. Though he never looked as dreadful as he had when they first got to school, he was tired and easily annoyed as he came down with yet another cold. James had never met someone with such a terrible immune system. Still, he knew another brilliant prank couldn’t be pulled off without Remus Lupin’s brains.

“You won’t have to do all the work this time,” James tried to persuade him a few days before Halloween as the four boys sat working in the library. “Just help us come up with an idea, and we’ll take it from there.”

When Remus sighed, James knew this would be difficult. “James, mate, I really don’t have the energy this time. Can’t you come up with something without me?

“Remus, you know you’re smarter than all three of us combined,” said James.

“Hey!” protested Sirius.

“Shut it, Black,” ordered James. Then, to Remus: “We couldn’t have done the last one without you, mate. And it was spectacular! Just think of how great a Halloween prank could be. I promise after this I won’t ask for any more pranking help until after Christmas.”

James thought that was a fairly enticing offer, but still Remus hesitated. That was when Sirius took over.

“C’mon, Remus, think of it as an early birthday present to me! My birthday is three days after Halloween, and I haven’t had a decent birthday since I was five. A great prank would be the best, and it won’t be great without you,” he begged. James noticed the way he made his soft gray eyes widen as he batted his long, dark eyelashes. It was a tactic he recognized from whenever his mother wanted to convince his father to do her a favor. This was quite confusing, but it also seemed to be working – Remus was visibly melting under Sirius’s charm – and so James decided not to question it.

“Okay, yeah. I guess I’ll help. But just for your birthday,” Remus relented with a reddish tinge to his cheeks.

With Remus’s genius involved, it only took two days to form a plan and another two days to perfect it. By the time the night of the Halloween feast came around, they were ready. Remus, as promised, did not have to participate in the execution, but James would not let him miss the feast altogether despite how tired he claimed to be when it was time to head to the Great Hall. It was only right that the brains of the job got to see it put into action. At least that was how James felt – and James also felt that he was right.

“Can we wait to start until we’ve had some food, though?” asked Peter as the four boys traipsed through the castle to get to the feast. Sirius rolled his eyes, as he often did when it came to Peter, but James tried to be patient.

“Pete, mate, there’s still going to be food when it’s over.”

“But what if there isn’t? What if Dumbledore gets angry and makes us all go back to our dormitories? I’m _starving_ ,” whined Peter. Sirius let out a long, dramatic sigh; James knew he needed to intervene before Peter got clobbered.

“Okay, okay. You can have a few bites before we start, but that’s it.”

And James meant it when he said a few bites. They took their places at the Gryffindor table, listened to the Headmaster’s Halloween speech, and piled food onto their plates as it appeared just like all the other students (except for perhaps Remus, whose cold seemed to be hitting its peak). But Peter only managed to shove a quarter of his chicken and mushroom pie into his mouth when James nudged him and gave Sirius the look across the table.

The entire hall plunged into darkness as each floating candle was extinguished. Voices grew louder as everyone tried to figure out what was happening; several people shrieked at the suddenness of it. Then, once the light had been restored, all could see that every plate of food gracing the professors’ high table had been turned into piles of slimy worms. That caused laughter to erupt across the room, bouncing loudly off the walls, and James had to bite his lip to keep from looking too proud.

Amongst the laughter was the jolly, booming chortle of Headmaster Dumbledore himself. He was not disgusted like Slughorn or irritated like McGonagall; he seemed just as delighted as each student, even picking up one of the worms from the plate in front of him to examine it more closely.

“Well, well, it seems we professors are on the receiving end of a magnificent Halloween trick!” said Dumbledore with an extra bright twinkle in his eyes. “My congratulations to the masterminds behind this, but let us clear it up and get back to our treats, shall we?”

As he restored the worm-infested dishes to delicious food once more, Peter bounced in his seat next to James. “He called us masterminds!”

“Shut up, you idiot, or someone will hear that it was us,” hissed Sirius, but James could tell he was just as pleased. Even Remus, who was looking practically translucent from his illness, seemed to glow from such a compliment.

James Potter and his friends were going to be the greatest mischief-makers Hogwarts had ever seen. That he was sure of.


	4. Mad World - First Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus misses Sirius's birthday, and a new lie unfolds as he tries to cover up his lycanthropy.

_Children waiting for the day they feel good_

_Happy birthday, happy birthday_

_Made to feel the way that every child should_

_Sit and listen, sit and listen_

-Mad World, Tears for Fears

Remus Lupin had absolutely no idea how he was supposed to transform into a werewolf on Tuesday night and miraculously recover in time to celebrate Sirius’s birthday the following day, but somehow he had to. Sirius Black, by his own admission, had not had a good birthday in seven years; he expected a great deal out of this twelfth birthday, and Remus was sure he would not be forgiven for missing it. He was also sure that Sirius would be a little mad at him no matter what because, while he could get back earlier than usual to celebrate as much of the day as possible, there was no way he could manage to be in the dormitory Wednesday morning when Sirius woke up.

He tried his best to seem cheerful and well on Tuesday, despite the fact that he was nauseous, bone tired, and so on edge that he felt he might snap at any moment. For Sirius, though, who kept singing about how excited he was to turn twelve away from his “wretched hag” mother, Remus would hide every pain and irritation.

That evening, though, Remus had no choice but to excuse himself to the hospital wing.

“Just feeling a bit under the weather is all,” he insisted as nonchalantly as possible. “No need to fret. I’ll get a dose of Pepperup Potion and be back in no time at all.”

He did not miss how Sirius’s face collapsed, and he could not blame him for being upset; Remus was often gone all day or even longer after leaving for the hospital wing the night before.

“Swear you won’t miss my birthday, Lupin?”

“Swear, Black.”

When Remus arrived at hospital, the first thing he did was ask Madam Pomfrey if there was any way to make the transformation less terrible and speed up the recovery process. As he explained that he needed to be well by breakfast for Sirius’s birthday, pity unfolded across the Healer’s face.

“I understand, Remus, and I am sorry you’re in this predicament. But you know there’s nothing to be done about it. I can come get you as soon as the transformation is over, heal you the best I can as always. There is no quick fix to this, though,” she said gently. A hole started to gnaw open in Remus’s chest. He did know that, but a small part of him had dared to be hopeful. He should have known better by now.

Remus never enjoyed being a werewolf, but at that moment he very much hated his lycanthropy. He hated Fenrir Greyback for biting him, he hated his father for not trying harder to save him, he hated himself for innocently playing outside on the day it happened. He hated all of it so strongly that the hate threatened to consume his existence.

The hate would only make the transformation worse, though, so Remus tried to breathe deeply and calm himself as Pomfrey led him to the Whomping Willow as per usual. All he could do was get through the night and will himself back to health as quickly as possible.

Sirius woke up before the sun on his twelfth birthday. The curtains were still drawn around his four-poster, but there was no sign of light seeping through the cracks and Peter’s seven o’clock alarm hadn’t sounded yet, so he knew it must be early. For a while, he laid curled up underneath his bedsheets, appreciating how it felt to wake up somewhere besides Grimmauld Place on November 3rd. He would miss his annual tradition of sneaking sweets after breakfast with Regulus, but he would not pretend to miss his mother forcing him to dress up for dinner or having to act like he loved whatever ancestral antique his father chose as a birthday present. For once, aside from having to sit through lessons, he was going to spend his birthday the way he wanted to.

When Peter’s alarm finally sounded and James started grumbling at him to shut it off, Sirius drew the curtains, excited to receive a chorus of happy birthdays from his three best mates.

He was already disappointed when he saw that Remus’s bed was empty and cold, as if it had not been slept in all night.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOU GORGEOUS GIT!” Sirius was temporarily distracted by a blur of messy black hair and glasses as James threw himself on top of him. Peter ran over and joined him, huffing slightly, so that Sirius was buried under his friends.

“How’s twelve feel, mate? One year away from being a teenager!” said Peter. Sirius laughed, James ruffled his inky curls, and then the two released him.

“Thanks, you idiots. Has anyone seen Remus?”

James and Peter exchanged awkward glances.

“Er…he never came back from hospital, Sirius. Sorry. I’m sure he’ll turn up soon,” James explained. Sirius tried to hide his disappointment. He’d been looking forward to the day with all three of his friends, but he should have known better. Remus never came back before dinner whenever he was feeling ill.

Still, he had James and Peter. That would have to be enough.

At breakfast, Sirius’s mind was taken off of Remus as the post arrived and three owls swooped in his direction to drop letters and parcels into his lap. The first was easily recognizable as the Black family owl, a handsome pure white snowy owl to match their pure blood. Sirius chose to open the letter first; he broke the silver wax seal that bore the family crest, and skimmed the most unfriendly birthday card he’d ever received.

_Sirius,_

_Happy twelfth birthday. We hope you are managing to stay out of trouble. You may not be in Slytherin, but you can still bring honor to the Black name so long as you maintain good marks and keep your record clean. Enjoy your gift. We shall see you at Christmas._

_Best,_

_Mother and Father_

Sirius snorted at the coldness of the message, crumpled it up, and moved on to the package that came with it. He was expecting another drab family antique, but his parents’ gift turned out to be quite nice: a luxurious eagle feather quill with a gold tip. It was a bit over the top, of course – it wouldn’t be a present from Orion and Walburga Black if it wasn’t – but at least it was something Sirius could use for once.

The next owl brought only a letter, and turned out to be from Regulus. The owl itself was unfamiliar to Sirius, but he knew the childish scrawl on the envelope. Inside, a bar of Muggle chocolate fell out with the parchment. Sirius smiled fondly as he read:

_Dear Sirius,_

_Happy Birthday! I miss you terribly. Home is boring without you. I really wanted to continue our birthday tradition, so I’ve sent you some sweets. I went out all on my own to buy it (Mother would have been so angry if she saw me looking for Muggle coins in the street to buy it with) and I’m going to beg her to let me come shopping with her in Diagon Alley so I can sneak off to mail it. If we both eat sweets for breakfast on your birthday, it’ll be like we’re doing it together as usual. I can’t wait ‘til you’re home again._

_Love,_

_Regulus Arcturus Black_

He was in a funny stage of always signing his full name, probably to seem more grownup, and Sirius loved it. Instead of throwing it aside like the one from his parents, Sirius carefully folded up the letter and slipped it into his pocket to keep. He got to work immediately on wolfing down the Muggle chocolate, thinking Mars was a weird name for sweets, and hoping that Regulus was eating his too at that very moment. Just as he swallowed the last bite and licked his fingers clean, the third owl dropped another letter into his lap. This one was from his Uncle Cygnus and Aunt Druella – it was the usual birthday card with the usual impersonal birthday wishes and a gold Galleon taped to the parchment. They sent Sirius and Regulus a gold Galleon each for every birthday. Sirius pretended it was because they had three daughters – Bellatrix, Andromeda, and Narcissa – and therefore didn’t know how to shop for boys, but he knew it was really because they did not care about their nephews very much.

James and Peter did not give Sirius their presents at breakfast.

“If we do it all in the morning, you have nothing to look forward to later!” James claimed. Only his eyes were quite shifty as he said it, and Sirius knew they were trying to buy Remus more time.

During Charms with the Slytherins, James talked Lily Evans into partnering with Peter instead of Snape like she usually did since Remus was out sick. She’d been reluctant at first, but ultimately agreed given that she didn’t mind Peter, and James at least wasn’t trying to partner with her himself for once. Flitwick set them to work practicing their Levitating charms. They’d started learning the charm last week, but only Remus and Lily had been successful so far.

“Are you ready for your first present?” James whispered to Sirius about ten minutes into class. He gestured in Snape’s direction. Snape was partnered with Evan Rosier, and currently managing to levitate his feather about two inches off the desk. James pointed his wand and whispered, “ _Incendio_.” The feather immediately burst into flames, causing the Gryffindors to erupt with laughter as Snape fumed. Lily shot a venomous glare at James and Sirius, but said nothing, unable to prove that it was them. As Flitwick tried to control the class and Sirius continued to snicker quietly, he once again forgot about how he was missing Remus.

That was how the rest of the day continued. Sirius would start to miss Remus, his mood would plummet, James would do something to cheer him up, and then after a while the cycle would start all over again. Still, it was a better birthday than he would have gotten at home. Andromeda stopped him in the hall around noon to wish him a happy birthday and pass along a bag of goodies from Zonko’s Joke Shop in the nearby village, Hogsmeade. Narcissa, however, ignored him all day, and he heard nothing from his eldest cousin, Bellatrix, who had graduated from Hogwarts the year before. Frankly, his birthday was made all the better by not having to endure his least favorite cousins.

At dinner, James and Peter gave up on Remus reappearing anytime soon, and gave him the present that all three of them had chipped in to buy: a working model of a Muggle motorbike.

“See, I know you’re interested in Muggle things,” explained James.

“And we thought this would piss off your mum the most,” added Peter. Sirius’s face split into a wide grin as he pressed the buttons on the remote that made the bike move.

“It’s _brilliant_ , mates.”

The motorbike was given a place of honor on Sirius’s nightstand. He had played with it all through dinner, and was only coaxed into putting it down by James at the suggestion that they set off some of the Filibuster fireworks that came with Andromeda’s gift. Gryffindor common room was set alight with multicolored stars that bounced off the walls in showers of sparks until they finally fizzled out. Everyone who came to watch cheered and wished Sirius one last happy birthday before going off to bed.

Sirius, however, got comfortable in one of the squishy armchairs by the fireplace, and waited.

Just after the clock struck eleven, Remus came climbing through the portrait hole. He looked pale and weak, practically dead on his feet. Sirius stood. Remus halted as the portrait swung shut behind him, and stared guiltily at the floor.

“Hey, Sirius. Happy birthday.”

“Where have you been all day?” Sirius tried to keep his tone even. Remus had disappointed him, but there was no use accusing him of being a bad friend until he knew the truth.

“Hospital wing.” Sirius’s face fell, and Remus began to quickly stammer, “I’m so sorry, Sirius, I stared feeling really awful on my way there last night and my temperature spiked and Madam Pomfrey wouldn’t let me –”

“Save it, Remus!” snapped Sirius. The other boy immediately faltered. Sirius wished he didn’t notice the tears welling up in Remus’s eyes.

“I…I…I…”

“Look, mate, today was really important to me. And I dunno where you’ve been all day, but you didn’t seem that sick to me last night. I mean, you’re never the picture of health, are you, but it didn’t seem like anything Pomfrey couldn’t fix in a half hour. So you missed my birthday when you promised you wouldn’t, and you’re lying about it. What’s really up, mate?”

At that, Remus Lupin burst in loud, racking sobs. Sirius froze and panicked at the unexpectedness of it, but moved to ease Remus into an armchair when he realized how dangerously his friend was swaying. The last thing he needed was Remus fainting, too.

“Hey, Lupin, it’s okay,” Sirius soothed awkwardly. Remus buried his face in his hands, which soon became saturated with his tears.

“It’s my mum,” he choked out. “She’s…she’s sick, and I have to go see her sometimes. I didn’t want anyone to know, but between visiting her and all the times I’m ill myself…I _knew_ everyone would think I was spending too much time in hospital.”

Sirius had absolutely no idea what to say to that. He was not great with other people’s emotions – a trait he likely had in common with his parents, however much it pained him to admit it. Still, Remus needed something, and Sirius found he was no longer upset about his birthday. They stayed in the common room for a while, with Sirius alternating between stroking Remus’s hair and rubbing Remus’s back. That was what he always did when Regulus was upset over matters their mother didn’t feel required comforting.

When the clock struck midnight, Sirius helped Remus to his feet.

“Let’s go up to bed,” he said. “I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep.”

“Thanks, Sirius.”

“What are mates for, anyway? Oh, and the motorbike is the best present ever, by the way.”

Remus smiled through his tears. “Did James take credit for the idea?”

“Mostly, yeah.”

“Well, none of it was actually his idea.”

“Didn’t think it was.”

The pair collapsed into giggles as they crawled under the covers of Remus’s bed. Sirius had to admit, as he watched Remus close his amber eyes and drift off to sleep, this birthday certainly wasn’t the worst he’d ever had. Really, it was one of the best.


	5. You Get What You Give - First Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3/4 of the Marauders face punishment for the first time, and there may be a hint of foreshadowing at Peter's struggle with loyalty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! :)
> 
> So admittedly this chapter is a bit rushed because I wanted to update a little quicker than I have been. And I admittedly didn't have the patience to edit, so hopefully there aren't too many errors.
> 
> Also, the boys are 11/12 still, so while I wanted to start showing small instances of what may have led to Peter Pettigrew's betrayal, he is still just a kid here and doesn't mean any ill intent! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

_But when the night is falling_

_You cannot find a friend (friend)_

_You feel your tree is breaking_

_Just then_

-You Get What You Give, New Radicals

Peter knew his first three months at Hogwarts were too good to be true. Before he came to school, his life at home had been completely different. He was homeschooled, for one. Perhaps, if his father hadn’t split when he was three, he would have been allowed to go to Muggle primary school, but his mother was too worried that his magic would kick in during class and cause trouble. For that reason, he didn’t have many friends. Peter and his mum were still close with his father’s family, given that his mum’s family all lived in Ireland and his dad’s side in Yorkshire didn’t approve of his choice to leave. So Peter hung out with his cousins fairly often, but he always felt slightly left out with them. They didn’t know that he was a wizard. His mum preferred the Muggle life his father had shown her; while she wanted her son properly trained and did use her wand for regular household activities when no one was around, she didn’t quite embrace being a witch and was all too happy to pretend she wasn’t one. That left Peter trying desperately to fit in with his cousins, but still feeling the gap between them that they didn’t quite understand.

Besides not having any real friends, Peter also hadn’t been exceptionally good at any of his lessons. Maths confused him, history bored him, and his writing abilities were subpar at best. His mum always grew frustrated with the many questions he had to ask to even come close to understanding the material. He’d been very worried that he wouldn’t understand any of his wizard classes either.

But things were very different than he’d expected them to be at Hogwarts. He wasn’t top of the class or anything, but he was still holding his own in his lessons. And somehow he’d managed to keep the three mates he’d made on that first day – and they were _cool_. Well, Remus wasn’t really, but he was nice at least, and James and Sirius more than made up for Remus by being the coolest people Peter had ever known. Everyone liked his mates, so by extension they liked Peter, too. No one dared to be rude to him or call him names as the other children in Yorkshire sometimes did because they knew they’d face the wrath of James Potter and Sirius Black.

However, Peter also had never traveled anywhere without the company of his friends.

A few weeks before the holidays were set to begin, James and Sirius decided they were going to go watch the Gryffindor Quidditch team practice after dinner. This sounded like an awful idea to Peter. It was cold and wet outside; maybe that was James’s idea of fun, but Peter didn’t fancy catching a cold from a sport he wasn’t even that interested in.

“You can join Lupin in the library,” Sirius suggested. It wasn’t a bad idea. Remus had suddenly started panicking the other day about the amount of homework they would be assigned to do over the holidays – although Peter personally didn’t think it would be _that_ much, seeing as they had two weeks to work on it – and had hardly left the library since, other than attending classes. Tonight, he had skipped dinner in favor of studying, so perhaps Peter would take him something to eat and see to it that he actually returned to the dorm for some sleep.

By the time Peter came to this decision, though, only pudding remained on the table. But he didn't suppose this would be a problem since Remus loved sweets. As James and Sirius bounded off to the Quidditch pitch, Peter wrapped a few chocolate chip cookies in a napkin and set off for the library. 

He was nearly halfway there, strolling down an empty corridor, when trouble arrived in the form of three large Slytherin fourth years. Peter kept him head down to avoid eye contact in the hope that the three boys would ignore him, too. He should have known that was too much to ask. 

"Hey, Pettigrew, isn't it?" The group of Slytherins stopped in front of him and blocked his path. Peter tried to breathe evenly, and make sure his trembling wasn’t too noticeable.

“Uh, yeah. Would you mind moving over a bit? I’m trying to get to the library.” He hoped he sounded more nonchalant than he felt. The Slytherins didn’t budge.

“What’ve you got there?” The biggest of the group reached out and snatched the napkin from Peter’s hand. Peter knew better than to protest. When the larger boy unwrapped the napkin and saw the cookies inside, he laughed.

“Sneaking pudding out of the Great Hall? You really are a fat ass, Pettigrew.”

Peter’s cheeks reddened and he bit his lips to control the tears welling up in his eyes. The comment stung. He knew he was pudgier than his friends and he did quite enjoy food, but it never felt nice to hear it from someone else.

“Can I please go?” Peter asked as politely as possible. “I haven’t done anything to you.”

“You and those imbeciles you call mates have bullied Severus too many times,” said one of the boys. “We don’t like it when other Houses mess with our own.”

“That’s not me! It’s James and Sirius! I haven’t done anything to Sniv – I mean, Snape. I haven’t done anything to Snape,” cried Peter, catching himself quickly from calling Snape by the nickname his friends had bestowed on him: Snivellus. He was ashamed with himself for throwing James and Sirius under the bus like that, but he was alone and terrified and did not much feel like taking the blame for a crime he _technically_ hadn’t committed.

"D'you think that really matters? Someone needs to be taught a lesson. Maybe Potter and Black will get the message from yours." Peter might've cried when the Slytherin pointed his wand at him, but there was no time before he was caught in a Full Body-Bind Curse. His arms snapped to his side and he toppled to the ground, unable to move. The Slytherins snickered on his behalf, then hurried away. 

Peter didn’t know how long he laid there, but he was certain it was a number of hours. No one came along to accidentally discover him laying frozen in the corridor, despite how hard he was hoping for that. Eventually, the curse wore off, and Peter found himself able to move again. He stood up, still trembling, brushed the dirt off his robes, and slowly shuffled back to Gryffindor common room, abandoning his library plan entirely.

The dormitory was empty when Peter got back. However long he’d been gone, Remus must have still been in the library while Quidditch practice continued. That was fine with Peter. He sat down on his four-poster and let loose the tears he’d been holding back. Why had the Sorting Hat put him in Gryffindor? He wasn’t brave. He was a coward, willing to betray his best friends in the hopes that his bullies would leave him alone. If he had even an ounce of Gryffindor courage in him, he would go tell Dumbledore that he didn’t belong at this school and should be sent home immediately.

But he didn’t have that kind of courage, either. All he could do was sit on his bed and cry until no more tears would come. Then he wiped his face dry and pulled his knees to his chest, feeling miserable.

When the door finally swung open, all three of his friends entered together. They were laughing and chatting, but ceased immediately at the sight of Peter curled up on the bed.

“Pete, mate, there are you. You alright?” greeted James nervously, as if he knew the answer would not be good. Peter sat up. He hoped his face wasn’t too red.

“Yeah…yeah. I, uh, got tied up by some Slytherins. Literally. Full Body-Bind.”

“ _WHAT?_ ” yelled James and Sirius in unison. Remus did not join their shouts, but also looked quite disturbed. Peter felt shame welling up; he didn’t deserve his friends’ outrage.

“What happened?” asked Remus in his quiet soothing voice. Peter shrugged as if it were nothing, even though he was still quite upset.

“Something about teaching me a lesson because we’ve been picking on Snape.”

“Snivellus? That slimy tosser, tattling to his cronies about us. We’ll show them, Pete, don’t you worry,” promised Sirius fervently.

“Yeah, we will. They can’t mess with us like that. Scum Slytherins, the lot of them,” spat James in disgust. Sirius frowned in a sudden change of mood.

“Shut it, Potter, they aren’t all scum,” he snarled. The three other boys must have looked very surprised because he then softened his tone and less confidently added, “Sure, some of them are right mad, like my parents and my cousin Bellatrix. But ‘Dromeda’s alright, and so is my Great Uncle Alphard. And my little brother will probably be put in Slytherin. I’ve worked hard to make sure he doesn’t turn scummy. So just…shut your mouth about that “all Slytherins” nonsense, alright?”

James seemed quite sincere when he apologized. Peter was wondering if they’d already forgotten about him when Sirius spoke again.

“Snape is scum, though. So how are you going to get revenge?”

The next evening, Sirius guided James and Peter down to the Slytherin common room. His parents, expecting their eldest son to follow the tradition of centuries of young Blacks, had told him everything they thought he needed to know to be the perfect Slytherin. That included how to get into the common room. Of course, he didn't know the password for that week, but they didn't need it for what they had planned. James wondered if Mr. and Mrs. Black now regretted sharing so much of their serpentine secrets with their lion son. 

Remus would not come with them. He took James very seriously when promised that he would be left out of any more pranks until Christmas. 

"But Rem! This isn't a any old childish prank! This is _revenge_!" James had exclaimed when he found out. But Remus wouldn't budge. He was still firmly planted in an armchair with a book and some after-dinner chocolates when the other three left the Gryffindor common room. 

Now that they'd been walking for what felt like ages, James was starting to wonder if Remus had the right idea staying behind. Sirius had led them down to the dungeons, past their potions classroom. It was cold and damp with odd green lighting that made James think they were crossing under the lake. 

"Are we there yet?" whined Peter. "I want to go back to our common room, where it's warm."

"Shut up, Pete," said Sirius, but without the force and anger of when he'd silenced James the night before. He seemed more distracted than mad. His ear pressed to the corridor wall, he ran his fingers along the hard surface until he must have found what he was looking for. 

"Aha! This is it."

"You're sure?"

"Positive. Now we just wait until someone comes in or out."

The trio crouched behind a large statue across from the bit of wall that Sirius insisted was the common room entrance. James knew they weren’t completely hidden from sight, but he was counting on Slytherins not being quite as smart as the Sorting Hat gave them credit for. Besides, they only needed to remain unseen long enough to exact their revenge.

It took a long time, though. Peter was starting to whine again about being cold, with the new addition of soreness, and James was positive he was going to have to hex Sirius to keep him from murdering their small, less patient friend. However, even James was starting to lose patience. Maybe coming down _after_ dinner, when everyone had already returned to their common rooms for the night, had not been his best planning. But he refused to leave. If they didn’t see their prank through tonight, it would be pointless. The Slytherins wouldn’t understand that they were getting even for what had happened to Peter.

Their opportunity finally came two hours after arriving in the form of two large Slytherin boys coming from the direction of the Great Hall. Peter smacked James’s arm when he saw them.

“James! James, those are two of the blokes who attacked me!” he hissed.

“Shut _up_ , Pete,” said Sirius for the thousandth time. James ignored both of them. Instead, he watched the boys approach the hidden entrance. He pointed his wand at the wall and muttered a locking curse.

“Noble ancestry,” said one of the boys lazily. Sirius covered his mouth to suppress a snort, and James knew he was thinking about how similar that password was to his family motto. But, despite having given the password, nothing moved.

“What’s the new password?” the same boy asked the other.

“That’s still it. Doesn’t change for another two days.”

“Well, it’s not working.”

James nodded at Sirius. Taking advantage of the Slytherins’ distraction, Sirius shot two Full-Body Binds at both of them. When they toppled over, still as stone, the three Gryffindors emerged from their hiding spot.

“That’s what you get for messing with our friend, you slimy twats,” spat James.

“Yeah!” encouraged Peter timidly. Sirius opened his mouth to contribute something too, but he froze in place as an all-too-familiar voice behind them said, “Potter? Black? Pettigrew? Merlin’s beard, what are you all doing?”

James whirled around to find Professor Slughorn standing behind them, still dressed in his days robes and carrying a stack of envelopes.

“Professor! We…we…” For once, words failed James. A professor had seen exactly what they did. He couldn’t think of how to talk his way out of it. Neither could Sirius or Peter, who both remained silent.

“Magic in the corridor and attacking your fellow students! I approve of a little joke just as much as the next person, but this is unacceptable I’m afraid. Wait here. I have some dinner party invitations to hand out, and then I’m taking all three of you to Professor McGonagall. She’s your Head of House, she’ll decide what action to take,” said Slughorn. He reversed the curse on the two frozen Slytherins, who then glared at the Gryffindors with such venom that James knew they’d have been attacked if a professor wasn’t there, and escorted them into the common room.

As soon as they disappeared, James looked at his friends. Tears were streaming down Peter’s face. Sirius looked paler than ever, his mouth drawn thin and his fists clenched. James wanted to apologize for getting them into trouble, but neither boy seemed interested in talking. In fact, all three of them remained silent as Slughorn led them to McGonagall’s office and as she angrily reprimanded them for their actions. As with when Slughorn caught them, James felt he had no possible defense to justify his actions.

Then McGonagall came to their punishments.

“You will serve one night’s detention, and I will write home to each of your families,” she said with a determined finality. James felt that was a bit excessive for one little curse, but his feelings were nothing compared to Sirius’s. Sirius jumped out of his seat, terror written across his face.

“Professor, you can’t!” he exclaimed in horror.

McGonagall seemed slightly unnerved by this outburst, but she didn’t budge. “Sit down, Mr. Black. I assure you that I can.”

Sirius did not sit down.

“ _Please_ , I’ll serve an extra detention or you can take extra points from me, or something! Just don’t write to my parents. Please, Professor. I’ll…I’ll be in _so_ much trouble.” Sirius had started out loud and desperate, but by the end his words were quiet and his bottom lip was trembling. James had seen Peter on the verge of tears more times than he could count, but Sirius Black hadn’t been so close to losing his cool since he received the Howler on the first day of classes. James remembered the words Mrs. Black screamed at her son, and he realized how bad it could be for Sirius if his parents found out he was getting into trouble.

Maybe McGonagall realized, too, because she sighed very heavily and said, “Very well, Sirius. I will not write to your family. You will serve a detention tomorrow night with Potter and Pettigrew, helping Hagrid with some of his gamekeeping duties, and then the next night you alone will help Mr. Filch clean chalkboards. Is that reasonable?”

Sirius sat down again in relief. “Yes, Professor. Thank you.”

In the end, their punishments weren’t so bad. Helping Hagrid, who they’d seen around but never really spoken to, take care of the grounds was actually sort of fun. And Hagrid invited them to come to tea whenever they liked. Sirius didn’t even complain about the chalkboards, despite how awful they all knew Filch could be.

James wanted to ask Sirius about his parents. He was developing a new understanding of what Sirius might face when he went home for Christmas, and he wanted to help if he could. Unfortunately, Sirius shut down at any mention of his home life, and Remus politely advised him to let the subject go. So James did, and he could only hope that his assumptions about Walburga and Orion Black were wrong.


	6. Home for the Holidays - First Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the boys to go home for their first Christmas post-Sorting - and Sirius can't say he's as excited as his mates. 
> 
> (This chapter has not been edited, as I wanted to get it up as quickly as possible, so I apologize for any mistakes)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whaaaat, a new chapter?! I know - it's been forever. Between school and general lack of motivation, this fic has turned out to be VERY slow-going. But I appreciate those of you who are hanging in there and being patient! It might take a while, but I will continue to update. 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy this chapter and stay healthy/safe!

_Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays,_

_For no matter how far away you roam_

_When you long for the sunshine of a friendly gaze,_

_For the holidays - you can't beat home, sweet home_

-(There’s No Place Like) Home for the Holidays, Perry Como

The Christmas holidays came around far too quickly for Sirius’s liking. His first term at Hogwarts had been all too perfect – excellent pranks, fun with his new friends, the best birthday he’d had in his twelve years of life. Now it was all over for the next two weeks and he was going to have to face his family once more. When McGonagall came around with the list for students who wanted to stay at Hogwarts over the holidays, Sirius wished more than anything that he could sign it. He would have, too, had his birthday letter not confirmed that his parents expected him to come home for Christmas.

It would have been easier if he could voice his concerns to his friends, but he didn’t think any of them would understand. They were all so pleased to be going home. James went on for half an hour the day before holidays started about his mum made the best mince pie and his dad always found the most interesting Christmas crackers (once he supposedly pulled one that let out a real Snitch, but Sirius wasn’t so sure he believed that), Remus informed them with a quiet smile that he’d be returning with a new sweater and at least a dozen books because his parents knew those were his favorite gifts, and even Peter got misty-eyed with anticipation when he told them about his large family and all the antics he got up to with his cousins in the past. All Sirius could say was that he was excited to see his brother. Any more and he might’ve sounded the alarm that the last thing he wanted to do was go home.

At least he had Andromeda. She’d stopped him in the corridor a few days before the end of term to tell him to wait for her on the train; he was incredibly grateful that he wouldn’t have to face his family alone. He hadn’t seen them since his Sorting, after all, and if his mother’s Howler was any indication of how the holidays would go…well, Sirius was not looking forward to it to say the least.

On the last morning of term, excitement vibrated through the air as the students breakfasted in the Great Hall for the final time before boarding the Hogwarts Express to go home for the holidays. Some of them would be staying at school, of course, but not many. Sirius had caught a glimpse of the Gryffindor list when McGonagall was asking around, and it was a very short one.

Sirius hardly touched his breakfast, as his insides squirmed with fear. His mother had never particularly liked him, but she always restrained herself because he was the heir. No one could know what a disappointment he was to her because, to the rest of the family, he was the future. On the rare occasion that she lost control and inflicted cuts or bruises on him, they were healed immediately. Now, though, he was in Gryffindor, and everyone was probably just as disappointed in him as Walburga had always been. There was no telling if she would restrain herself anymore.

“You okay, mate?” Remus’s quiet voice pulled Sirius away from his fears. He was looking at him with concern filling his large amber eyes, and Sirius forced a casual grin.

“Yeah, ‘course. Why wouldn’t I be?” Remus opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by the sudden appearance of James, who had been held up by all the last-minute packing he hadn’t done.

“Well, lads, I’m all packed,” he announced, and he sounded much more impressed than Sirius felt someone who had procrastinated for so long should sound. But his presence got Sirius out of answering any awkward questions; he made it a point from then on not to zone out or look upset. Remus, though silent, was still watching him, after all.

“You’d better eat quickly then, mate – McGonagall is collecting everyone for the train in ten minutes,” said Peter anxiously. He then took it upon himself to shove toast and sausages onto the empty plate in front of James, and Sirius resisted the urge to snort at how pathetic it was. Normally, he might’ve done it, but Peter was just trying to be helpful in his own worshipping way and Sirius figured he shouldn’t alienate any of his friends at that moment – he would desperately need them when the holidays were over.

Remus could not concentrate on anyone or anything but Sirius Black on the train ride back to London. Despite how he had shrugged him off at breakfast, there was clearly something wrong. Sirius was paler than usual, and he’d seemed distracted and jumpy ever since they woke up that morning. Everyone else was in a particularly good mood about going home for Christmas – even Remus had been excited when he opened his eyes and remembered he would be back in Cardiff by the end of the day, despite also knowing that he’d have to once again face full moon recovery without Madam Pomfrey – but Sirius only seemed sullen and anxious. Remus couldn’t help but think of the concerns James had voiced a few weeks ago after the prank on the Slytherins. He hadn’t been there to hear how desperate Sirius apparently sounded, and it was easier to tell James to let it go than to continue prying into something Sirius obviously didn’t want to talk about. Now he wondered if he should’ve taken James more seriously.

The worst part was that there was no time to do anything about it until after the holidays. Even then, what would Remus do? He didn’t have any proof, especially when Sirius was keeping his mouth firmly shut. And if the Muggle police didn’t often taken children away from their parents, he didn’t think the Ministry of Magic would so much as inquire into the private goings-on of a family as old and powerful as the Blacks.

So all Remus could really do was be extra kind to Sirius in the hope that it would see him through the holidays, then comfort him when they returned to school. He bought him two extra chocolate frogs when the trolley came around and agreed to play Exploding Snap even though Remus hated the game. By the time the train had reached the outskirts of London, Sirius seemed to have cheered up a little. That made it worth the effort for Remus.

As they pulled into King’s Cross, Sirius’s cousin Andromeda appeared at the door of their compartment. Sirius had been laughing at something prat-like that James had said, but when his eyes drifted towards the door, the grin was wiped off his face. Andromeda, who was clutching a velvety carpetbag, gave an apologetic smile and a wave. Sirius got to his feet and reached for his own traveling bag from the luggage rack.

“Sorry, mates, I’m getting off with ‘Drom,” he said. “Happy Christmas, see you later.”

And then he was gone. Something in Remus’s chest ached at the sight of his disappearing back.

He tried not to think about Sirius Black as he got off the train, now dressed in his old Muggle clothes rather than his black school robes. His parents would be able read his face too easily if something was wrong, and he wasn’t sure he was ready to discuss his suspicions about Sirius’s parents with his own. Hope would want to get the authorities involved, Lyall would feel uneasy that his son was involved with a Black, and in the end Remus would just be miserable.

He said goodbye to James and Peter, and then began parting the crowd to look for his parents. The search did not take long; after only a few minutes, he heard his name called out in a high-pitched shriek, followed by a pair of arms wrapping themselves around him. Hope Lupin held him tight and kissed the top of his head as many times as she could before Remus finally pulled away.

“C’mon, Mum, we’re in public,” he mumbled, but he squeezed her hand with a quiet smile all the same. Then he turned to his father and gave Lyall a quick hug as well.

“How are you, son?” asked his father. Remus shrugged.

“Good. Hogwarts is great. I really like it there,” he replied casually.

“We’re _so_ proud of you, my love,” said Hope. They shuffled their way through the station out to where the car was parked. Hope preferred travelling by car, even though Lyall always tried to convince her that Side-Along-Apparition would be quicker. Remus loaded his bags into the trunk and slid into the backseat. When the doors were locked and the windows were rolled up, Lyall finally dared to ask: “And how have the transformations been? Has Dumbledore made good on his promises?”

Remus sighed. “Yes, Dad. They’ve been fine. I’m safe. Madam Pomfrey does a terrific job patching me up afterwards.”

He did not mention how nervous he was for next week’s full moon – how he didn’t want to be chained up in the cellar again and how he knew his parents couldn’t mend him as well as the school Healer did. Voicing these concerns would only make Hope feel guilty, and Remus couldn’t bear to see his mother cry over his condition any more than she already would after he transformed. Besides, he could handle the physical pain for a few days. Unwillingly, his thoughts drifted back to Sirius, and what his friend might endure over the next two weeks…

Sirius was almost positive that the train platform was going to be the best part of his holidays. As expected, Sirius’s parents were waiting with his Aunt Druella and Uncle Cygnus. They stood removed from the crowd, undoubtedly not wanting to mix with any Muggles who’d come to pick up their children.

“Let’s hang back for a bit,” suggested Andromeda when they caught sight of their parents. Sirius, whose hands had begun to shake at the idea of going home, was grateful for that. They ducked behind a thick pillar; Sirius leaned against it and tried to breathe. It was only two weeks. He had survived almost twelve years in his parents’ house. The taste of freedom that the past few months had provided was making his return difficult, but he could survive the holidays.

“Dromeda!” The sound of a male voice calling out for his cousin startled Sirius. A boy with a mop of blond hair jogged up to them. Andromeda looked around anxiously, then reached out for his shirt and pulled him behind the pillar.

“Are you a bloody _moron_ , Ted?” she snarled, and the jolly smile was wiped off Ted’s face. “I’ve told you we can’t be seen together! That includes outside of school!”

“I’m sorry, Drom…we didn’t get to say goodbye and I was looking for you on the train, but you were sitting with a bunch of Slytherins so when I saw you just now I thought it would be safer…”

Andromeda sighed. Then, to Sirius’s disgust, she quickly pecked Ted on the lips. “You complete idiot. Alright, goodbye then. Have a good holiday. I’ll write if I can manage. Now get out of here before my parents see, would you?”

Ted’s grinned returned, he kissed once more, and then he hurried away. Her face burning red, Andromeda dared to look at Sirius.

“Please don’t tell anyone about that. Especially not our family.”

“I won’t, I swear. Who was that? Why don’t you want to be seen with him?”

“Ted Tonks. He’s my year, but in Hufflepuff. And he’s a Muggleborn. That’s why I don’t want anyone to know.”

Sirius’s insides turned to ice. “ _You’re dating a Mudblood?_ ”

Before he knew what was happening, Andromeda’s hand was connecting with his cheek, leaving behind a raw sting. After she’d done it, tears formed in her eyes and she stared in horror at her hand. Sirius rubbed at his cheek, surprised at who the slap had come from, but not unnerved by the pain. His mother had struck him too many times for it to shock him.

“I’m sorry, Sirius, I’m so sorry…but don’t call him that. Don’t use that word. I know our family uses it all the time, but it’s dirty and wrong. And I think, deep down, you know that. Ted is a Muggleborn. Our family won’t approve, I know. But I love him, Sirius. I just need more time to figure out what to do.”

“Okay. Like I said, I won’t tell. And sorry about calling him…well, that word.”

They briefly hugged to make up, and then it was decided that they should really go to their parents, despite how much neither of them wanted to. As expected, no one made a scene in public over Sirius’s disappointments. His parents did not greet him with any affection, and his aunt and uncle looked at him with contempt – as did Narcissa when she finally joined them after a long, unnecessary goodbye to Lucius Malfoy, who Druella proudly informed them would be joining the family in a few days for Christmas – but not a word was said to him.

Of course, this only lasted for as long as there were others watching. Orion grabbed Sirius’s arm too tightly, his wife’s hand much more gently, and then suddenly they were in the entrance hall of Grimmauld Place. Sirius shivered. The house was just as cold and unforgiving as he remembered it.

Then, for the second time that afternoon, a hand struck Sirius’s cheek – except, unlike when Andromeda slapped him, his mother’s hand was adorned with sharp rings and had much more force behind it. Sirius recoiled; when he put his own hand to his cheek, blood dripped onto his fingers from where the rings cut his skin.

“Are you a filthy little blood traitor, then? Now that you’re in that disgusting House?” Walburga spat at him.

“I didn’t ask to be put in Gryffindor, Mother,” said Sirius through gritted teeth. He would not tell her that he was pleased to have escaped Slytherin. And his words seemed to soften his mother’s anger slightly. She pointed her wand at his face, but only to heal the cuts she’d left.

“Toujours Pur, Sirius. Don’t forget that. Now get upstairs. Your brother is waiting for you.”

The mention of Regulus lifted Sirius’s spirits. His little brother was the only good thing about being home again; he couldn’t wait to stay up all night like they used to, sneaking sweets and telling Regulus about Hogwarts. He turned to head for Regulus’s room, but when he reached the foot of the stairs, his mother called out to him again.

“Oh, and Sirius? Try not to disappoint Regulus. He so looks up to you, though I can’t fathom why. If you fill his head with fantasies, you will be punished.”


	7. Everybody Talks - First Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus's lycanthropy continues to make life difficult for him, but at least he has Sirius sticking up for him. 
> 
> **TW: brief homophobic slur at the end**
> 
> As a small note, since the DADA professor post would already have been cursed by this point, I made up the character featured in this chapter as that year's professor. Also, I took the liberty of putting Amos Diggory in the same year as the Marauders' (for a familiar name) since it's not canonically established when he attended Hogwarts, I believe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These updates are slow, so I appreciate those of you sticking with this fic!! I'm hoping to wrap up first year soon and maybe update more frequently once the plot picks up the pace as the boys gets older. I hope everyone reading this is healthy, safe, and having a good start to the new year!

_All this trash talk make me itchin'_

_Oh my my_

_Everybody talks, everybody talks_

_Everybody talks, too much_

-Everybody Talks, Neon Trees

James Potter couldn’t say his Christmas holidays were _bad_ , exactly. If he was being honest, it was quite good actually. His parents bought him a new Cleansweep Six – his very first quality racing broom – so that he could try out for the Gryffindor Quidditch team next year. His mother made an absolutely scrumptious Christmas lunch with food that could only be rivaled by that of Hogwarts’s. And he and Fleamont pulled crackers for nearly an hour in the evening until they both had more little rubbish bits than they would ever need – except for the pretty excellent array of Honeydukes sweets that came out of one of James’s.

So the holidays weren’t really bad at all. But James was worried about Sirius. He’d written twice and received no response. Peter sent a letter telling him not to worry, that Sirius’s parents were probably withholding his mail. That did not make James feel better.

The only thing that did make him feel better was when he arrived at Platform 9 ¾ and saw that Sirius was okay with his own eyes. Sirius seemed almost hollow as they found a compartment with Remus and Peter, but he refused to say anything besides a simple “My parents are twats, but it was good to see Reg.” No one tried to push him; there were no physical marks on him and he quickly regained his usual charming smugness as he spent time with his friends. James didn’t see any point in worrying any further until the summer holidays came around. Then he would try to figure out a new way to help his mate.

Thus, life at Hogwarts went back to normal. Or as normal as it could be.

Two weeks after their return, Remus began to come down with yet another cold. James couldn’t recall a time in his life when he’d met anyone who got sick as frequently or as badly as Remus Lupin. Peter had taken to keeping his distance from Remus as a precaution for a few days, saying he couldn’t afford to catch the cold and fall behind, but that quickly came to an end when Sirius snapped at him over it.

“Don’t be an idiot,” he’d growled after Remus – already pale and weak – seemed crestfallen that Peter wouldn’t let him borrow a quill when the tip of his broke. “Remus is sick all the time, isn’t he? No offense, mate – you’ve just got a bloody awful immune system. But my point is that he is sick at least once a month, and none of us have caught it yet, have we? So stop being a prat and let him borrow a quill, Pete.”

His lip trembling from Sirius’s fury, Peter apologized and lent Remus a quill. But James noticed that he still tried to stay a few feet away, and part of him suspected that Peter was actually scampering off to get a dose of Pepper-up Potion from Madam Pomfrey when he claimed he was going to the bathroom between History of Magic and Charms. His face looked peculiarly red when he showed up to class, anyway.

By the end of the week, James and Sirius had to practically drag Remus out of bed, he had gotten so ill. He slept through his alarm – which he set much earlier than the other boys set theirs as he didn’t like to be rushed – and it rang incessantly until Sirius got up to shut it off himself, swearing that the next time he would curse it to pieces. His muttering stopped soon after, though, and there was a high-pitched, sharp “James?”

James hadn’t planned on getting out of bed for another fifteen minutes himself, but Sirius sounded frightened so he forced himself up. Peter was still snoring away in his bed across the room, apparently unperturbed by the alarm clock fiasco. When James got over to Remus’s bed, he saw what had scared Sirius: Remus was white as a sheet and covered in a sheen of sweat. James and Sirius exchanged worried glances; then James shook Remus as gently as possible while still forceful enough to wake up. Remus’s eyes opened slowly.

“What – ?”

“Hey, mate, your alarm went off,” said Sirius. James had never heard him speak so softly. “You feeling alright?”

“Yeah…yeah, just didn’t sleep well. Sorry about the alarm.” He started to struggle to sit up, but collapsed back onto the pillows with a groan. Sirius grabbed his left arm and gestured for James to follow suit with his right. Together, they pulled Remus out of bed and kept hold of him until he was steady.

“Remus, are you sure okay? You said your mum’s sick, right? Have you maybe caught what she’s got?” asked James. A small part of his mind wondered if his mother’s illness was contagious enough to spread to all of them, but he quickly shook it away. That made him no better than Peter with his paranoia. Sirius would surely deck him if he knew he was having such thoughts. Besides, Remus shook his head almost immediately.

“She’s sick, but it’s not anything contagious. I always get colds in the winter. And, like I said, I didn’t sleep well. Probably just need some food.”

“Mate, you need the hospital –”

“I’m fine, Sirius. Just tired.”

Despite his claims that he was just tired and would wake up after breakfast, Remus didn't look much better by the time Defense Against the Dark Arts rolled around. The bags under his eyes were darker and he seemed to be struggling under the weight of his bag, though he wouldn't let James or Sirius carry it for him. When they took their seats in the classroom and got out their supplies, the three other boys kept eyeing him nervously and exchanging pointed looks with each other.

"Alright, settle down, settle down," said Professor Plinkley as she came in and hurried to the front of the room. The other students quieted down immediately - the four boys in the back, on the other hand, hadn't been speaking to begin with.

"Good afternoon, class," continued Plinkley. "Today we will be covering a very exciting topic: curing werewolf bites." The class grew loud again, chattering in excitement, but James could feel Remus stiffen next to him. He thought about suggesting once more that Remus go to the hospital wing if he was feeling so poorly, but then Plinkley was hushing the room again and he lost his chance.

"Well, without looking in your book, can anyone tell me how to cure a werewolf bite?" asked the professor. Remus raised his hand immediately, which made James less anxious. Their studious friend was still himself in that capacity at least.

"Apply powdered silver and dittany to the wound," answered Remus in a quiet hoarse voice. "But I wouldn't call it a cure. The infected person will still become a werewolf if they survive the bite. There is no real cure for lycanthropy."

"Very good, Mr. Lupin, and ten points to Gryffindor. You are correct in your observation that there is no true cure, but powdered silver and dittany may save the bitten person's life. Muggles, on the other hand, usually succumb to a werewolf bite with or without treatment." As Remus slumped back in his seat, having done enough participation for the day, Amos Diggory raised his hand. James didn't think much of it - he and Sirius were now both staring in concern at their worn-down mate, though Peter didn't seem to notice anymore.

"Why even try to save their life? Werewolves are dangerous, horrible Dark creatures. Wouldn't it be better to just let all the infected people die and hope the species goes extinct?" asked Diggory. James thought he had a bit of a point - as inhumane as it sounded, he'd never heard of a _good_ werewolf - but Remus's head snapped up and he looked as angry as he could in his exhausted state.

"Diggory, you're a wanker," spat Remus. The whole class gasped; Professor Plinkley took five points away from Gryffindor and told Remus to behave himself, but Diggory was not ready to let the insult slide.

"So are you just a werewolf lover, Lupin, or does your sympathy extend to all Dark creatures? Might've done better in Slytherin if that's how you feel," retorted Diggory. Remus turned red, a stark contrast to the deathly pale color he had been moments before.

"I don't love Dark creatures, but werewolves are still people. No one is born a werewolf, no one asks to become a werewolf, and if they are perfectly harmless for 29 out of 30 days why should they be treated so cruelly for one night a month?" argued Remus. James was baffled by this; he had never thought of it that way before, but it really was true. He wondered how Remus had gotten to be so wise at only eleven years old. Sirius looked confused, too. Diggory, on the other hand, rolled his eyes dramatically.

"Right, and vampires are harmless little bats during the day. Too bad they suck your blood at night. A Dark creature is a Dark creature, nothing human about it. Honestly, Lupin, I'm surprised you aren't more bitter about werewolves. Your dad hated them, didn't he? My dad recognized him on the platform, said he got himself fired from the Ministry because he went crazy over trying to prove some dirty vagabond was a werewolf." Remus stood at that, fury written all over his face. Diggory smirked, satisfied with the rise he'd gotten of him. Professor Plinkley, however, was quite finished with the situation.

“Boys, that is enough. Five points from Hufflepuff – don’t look at me like that, Diggory, I took five from Gryffindor if you’ll recall – and detention tomorrow night for both of you. Mr. Lupin, sit down so we can get on with the lesson,” she said firmly. Diggory seemed irritated, but kept his mouth shut. Remus only turned paler and did not sit down as he was told.

“Professor, I can’t do detention tomorrow night,” he said awkwardly. James and Sirius looked at each other yet again with incredulous expressions at the idea of Remus Lupin defying an order from a teacher. Plinkley looked taken aback, too.

“You have somewhere better to be, Lupin?”

Remus shifted uncomfortably. “No…well, yes…I mean, sort of. I – I have that _thing_ arranged with Professor Dumbledore. Can I _please_ do detention another night?”

Understanding seemed to dawn on Plinkley and the irritated look on her face softened. “Yes, of course,” she agreed. “My apologies, Remus, I forgot. We’ll make it next Saturday. Now is there anything else before I continue with my class?”

“I’m not feeling well. May I go to the hospital wing?” asked Remus. He did look like he might collapse at any moment, but James was still surprised he actually asked to leave. Remus never left class early, no matter how sick he was. And what was this thing with the Headmaster he had never mentioned to them?

“Yes, go on.” He didn’t even take the time to gather his things; he simply left it all on the desk and meekly rushed out of the classroom. Sirius perked up as the door slammed shut; James put a hand on his shoulder and muttered, “Not now. Later.” He wanted to make sure Remus was okay, too, but Plinkley wouldn’t be too pleased if more of her students found excuses to leave class. They could endure an hour of werewolf bites, then go check on him.

Of course, James didn’t count on Amos Diggory muttering to his friend, “Too weak to handle the truth. Probably only cares about werewolves ‘cause he’s a queer and the Muggles treat them the way we treat half-breeds.” Sirius got to his feet immediately, his steel eyes flashing, and James didn’t even try to stop him. He let Sirius stride over to Diggory’s desk and punch the prat right in the face. Thirty points from Gryffindor and a week’s worth of detention for Sirius was worth the sight of blood dripping from Diggory’s nose.


End file.
